This is part II in my struggle with insomnia during the Fall semester of 2010. Our second major paper was to examine the role of our own sin and God's grace in our lives. Not all of us did the same topic as our suffering and refuge paper, but it happened to work out that way for me. Through His perfect timing, God used our Dynamics of Biblical Change class to show me that the original cause of my insomnia was my fear of man and pride. Below are some glimpses of my life during that time.
About the first week of November my insomnia began to happen during nights that I didn’t have a Greek test the next day. I became increasingly nervous about bedtime, and was very anxious about whether I would even fall asleep each night. At first, I was the one who tried to cure myself of my own insomnia. I tried to make my body tired so that my chances of sleeping would increase, but the insomnia continued. I even bought some sleeping pills but they wore off and were no match for my insomnia. :P
God had patience with me and was the one who ultimately delivered me by opening my eyes to my own sin and bringing me to repentance over it.
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Thursday night Dynamics class (11/4/10)
I had cried out to God for deliverance from the symptoms of anxiety and sleeplessness, but it wasn't until Dynamics class that week that God began to deliver me. Through that class, God showed me that I cried out not for His sake, but to bring comfort to myself. I wanted the pain to go away, but I didn't desire heart change. I wanted relief from my symptoms, but didn’t understand my heart.
The Lusts of the Flesh
When Dr. Powlison was describing the desires of the heart, he described the lusts of the flesh in Romans 13:
- Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.
The lusts of the flesh, he explained, are more than just sexual sins and coveting. They overflow to good things in life as well. It wasn't bad that I wanted to do well or that I wanted sleep, but I wanted to do well too much. I was fighting for sleep because my desire had become my master. My performance became a monster that was infecting more and more parts of my life. I found myself constantly stressed and my insomnia was becoming more frequent. The worse it got, the more I tried to gain control, which made my anxiety even worse.
The Real Cause
Through that Dynamics lecture, the Holy Spirit showed me and convicted me that I was worshipping myself. It finally clicked that that I had lost the proper perspective of who God was. God had become very small and helpless to me. He was only a helper to me when I was in trouble, and he could only bring relief to my symptoms. I realized that I had stopped worshipping Him and that I had started worshipping my own abilities and talents. My pride had mastered me.
“Any fear or anxiety is ultimately a worship of ourselves”- This phrase really spoke a lot of me. It had never crossed my mind that I could become a slave to serving myself and my own self esteem. In trying to do so, I had become a wreck, and nothing was good enough. I had forgotten that all of this was for God’s glory, and to deepen my relationship with Him. Instead, God had become long forgotten and I had worshipped my feelings and my grades. Of course, I didn’t want to serve and worship myself. No one says to himself, “I have decided to worship myself today”. Sin creeps its way into our hearts unnoticed. I was completely blind to the fact that I was even doing so in the first place.
Real Deliverance
My response was sorrow and repentance over my idolatry. At the same time, God brought a sense of relief and joy because my eyes were finally opened to my sin. When God convicted me of my sin, it became an “a-ha!” moment, and was truly liberating. I experienced the joys that came with repentance; the process is not only a turning away from your sins, but a freeing from sin that comes when you begin to see your own actions through God’s eyes.
That class period was a turning point for me in my deliverance from insomnia. I wanted to cry for almost the whole three hours of class that night, but they weren’t tears of sadness. They were tears of joy, finally knowing what my problem was, and gladness that God had helped me to see who I was worshipping. I was so grateful that God had provided this deliverance from bondage to my sin by opening my eyes, speaking to me by the Holy Spirit, and giving me a true repentant heart once I saw clearly. God brought me through that time, carried me and gave me strength during my suffering, and finally delivered me in His perfect timing through His power. He changed my perspective and where I put my trust. I could now truly relinquish control. I believed in this solution. When God provides deliverance it is really deliverance. It is not just a solution that I think I can will myself to believe, but genuine liberating heart change.
That night, I slept soundly. God had turned the switch from “blind” to “see” and my heart was truly changed.
Put to the test (11/7/10)
Three days after that, on Sunday morning, we were driving to church and the idea crept into my mind that we had a Greek test the next day (Monday). We had been studying for it all weekend, and I had had peace about it. Suddenly, though, it was again the day before the big test and the same situation was looking me in the face. I slowly felt my body tensing up. “Oh no! Is this happening again?” I thought. “What about all that I’ve learned?” I was strangely quiet in the car, and Alex asked me if I was sleepy. What I didn’t tell him at the time was that I was nervous about not being able to sleep. I knew the right answer, but in that moment, I didn’t know it as clearly anymore. I resolved that the only thing I could do was ask God to help me, and I prayed some in the car quietly to myself before we arrived at church.
Tears of Joy
We arrived at church 10 minutes late, and the worship band was starting a new song. As soon as I heard the song, I knew that it was for me. I wanted so much to worship God with all my heart but lacked the strength to do so. God gave me this song so that I would have words to worship Him in the midst of my struggle. The words of the song expressed perfectly the cry of my heart and I started crying, both physically and in my heart crying out to God to save me once again."Yes, Lord! This is exactly what I want to be saying to you right now!"
I will glory in my Redeemer
Whose priceless blood has ransomed me
Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails
And hung Him on that judgment tree
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who crushed the power of sin and death
My only Savior before the Holy Judge
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
I will glory in my Redeemer
My life He bought, my love He owns
I have no longings for another
I’m satisfied in Him alone
I will glory in my Redeemer
His faithfulness my standing place
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace
My feet are firm, held by His grace
Nothing in my own knowledge would save me, not even my remembrance of all of the lessons that He had taught me. Only God could deliver me from this. He knew that I needed to sing this song, and He brought us to church at just the right time so that I would worship Him with it. As soon as I began to worship Christ and sing the Gospel through this song, there was such joy because my soul was fed with the truth of who God was as my Savior. He turned my sights from looking at myself and my circumstances to looking at Him.
God reminded me that I am held firm by His grace, and though trials may seem to possess such power, He is mighty to save. He delivered me (from myself!) once again, not of my own knowledge or strength, but through His provision and grace. I received comfort from God that was real and lasting. I didn’t have to tell myself not to stress. God gave me peace which transcended all understanding.
Epilogue
I know that these trials will continue to come because there is still sin in my life that I have not dealt with. My life is certainly not anxiety-free, and I do still get nervous about tests and grades. However, my reaction to trials has been changed by this whole experience. I’ve learned that God goes through my trials with me. He is my ever-present help in times of need. He is mighty to save His children and will deliver me. He has a purpose to suffering, and He, as the creator of the universe, is the one true being in all the earth that is worthy of worship. He has patience with me in my sin and is my deliverer.
Even though this suffering is tough while it is happening, God always ordains it for a purpose. He will continue to be faithful, though I will still struggle to trust Him, but He will deliver me in His time. Paul says, in Philippians, that “He who began a good work will bring it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”. Our salvation and God’s work in our lives is His work, and He will finish it. Praise God that I got about six hours of sleep that Sunday after church.
However, although there are times where I do still get anxious, I know that progress will continue to be little steps of faith of crying out to Him and learning to trust Him. I am very much looking forward to that day where all these sufferings will end and there will be a day where we sin no more. All things will be made right. Praise be to God that that will indeed happen one day and in Christ there is true hope and deliverance!
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