Sin and Grace

This is part II in my struggle with insomnia during the Fall semester of 2010. Our second major paper was to examine the role of our own sin and God's grace in our lives. Not all of us did the same topic as our suffering and refuge paper, but it happened to work out that way for me. Through His perfect timing, God used our Dynamics of Biblical Change class to show me that the original cause of my insomnia was my fear of man and pride. Below are some glimpses of my life during that time.

About the first week of November my insomnia began to happen during nights that I didn’t have a Greek test the next day. I became increasingly nervous about bedtime, and was very anxious about whether I would even fall asleep each night. At first, I was the one who tried to cure myself of my own insomnia. I tried to make my body tired so that my chances of sleeping would increase, but the insomnia continued. I even bought some sleeping pills but they wore off and were no match for my insomnia. :P

God had patience with me and was the one who ultimately delivered me by opening my eyes to my own sin and bringing me to repentance over it.

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Thursday night Dynamics class (11/4/10)

I had cried out to God for deliverance from the symptoms of anxiety and sleeplessness, but it wasn't until Dynamics class that week that God began to deliver me. Through that class, God showed me that I cried out not for His sake, but to bring comfort to myself. I wanted the pain to go away, but I didn't desire heart change. I wanted relief from my symptoms, but didn’t understand my heart.

The Lusts of the Flesh

When Dr. Powlison was describing the desires of the heart, he described the lusts of the flesh in Romans 13:

• Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.

The lusts of the flesh, he explained, are more than just sexual sins and coveting. They overflow to good things in life as well. It wasn't bad that I wanted to do well or that I wanted sleep, but I wanted to do well too much. I was fighting for sleep because my desire had become my master. My performance became a monster that was infecting more and more parts of my life. I found myself constantly stressed and my insomnia was becoming more frequent. The worse it got, the more I tried to gain control, which made my anxiety even worse.

The Real Cause

Through that Dynamics lecture, the Holy Spirit showed me and convicted me that I was worshipping myself. It finally clicked that that I had lost the proper perspective of who God was. God had become very small and helpless to me. He was only a helper to me when I was in trouble, and he could only bring relief to my symptoms. I realized that I had stopped worshipping Him and that I had started worshipping my own abilities and talents. My pride had mastered me.

“Any fear or anxiety is ultimately a worship of ourselves”- This phrase really spoke a lot of me. It had never crossed my mind that I could become a slave to serving myself and my own self esteem. In trying to do so, I had become a wreck, and nothing was good enough. I had forgotten that all of this was for God’s glory, and to deepen my relationship with Him. Instead, God had become long forgotten and I had worshipped my feelings and my grades. Of course, I didn’t want to serve and worship myself. No one says to himself, “I have decided to worship myself today”. Sin creeps its way into our hearts unnoticed. I was completely blind to the fact that I was even doing so in the first place.

Real Deliverance

My response was sorrow and repentance over my idolatry. At the same time, God brought a sense of relief and joy because my eyes were finally opened to my sin. When God convicted me of my sin, it became an “a-ha!” moment, and was truly liberating. I experienced the joys that came with repentance; the process is not only a turning away from your sins, but a freeing from sin that comes when you begin to see your own actions through God’s eyes.

That class period was a turning point for me in my deliverance from insomnia. I wanted to cry for almost the whole three hours of class that night, but they weren’t tears of sadness. They were tears of joy, finally knowing what my problem was, and gladness that God had helped me to see who I was worshipping. I was so grateful that God had provided this deliverance from bondage to my sin by opening my eyes, speaking to me by the Holy Spirit, and giving me a true repentant heart once I saw clearly. God brought me through that time, carried me and gave me strength during my suffering, and finally delivered me in His perfect timing through His power. He changed my perspective and where I put my trust. I could now truly relinquish control. I believed in this solution. When God provides deliverance it is really deliverance. It is not just a solution that I think I can will myself to believe, but genuine liberating heart change.

That night, I slept soundly. God had turned the switch from “blind” to “see” and my heart was truly changed.

Put to the test (11/7/10)

Three days after that, on Sunday morning, we were driving to church and the idea crept into my mind that we had a Greek test the next day (Monday). We had been studying for it all weekend, and I had had peace about it. Suddenly, though, it was again the day before the big test and the same situation was looking me in the face. I slowly felt my body tensing up. “Oh no! Is this happening again?” I thought. “What about all that I’ve learned?” I was strangely quiet in the car, and Alex asked me if I was sleepy. What I didn’t tell him at the time was that I was nervous about not being able to sleep. I knew the right answer, but in that moment, I didn’t know it as clearly anymore. I resolved that the only thing I could do was ask God to help me, and I prayed some in the car quietly to myself before we arrived at church.

Tears of Joy

We arrived at church 10 minutes late, and the worship band was starting a new song. As soon as I heard the song, I knew that it was for me. I wanted so much to worship God with all my heart but lacked the strength to do so. God gave me this song so that I would have words to worship Him in the midst of my struggle. The words of the song expressed perfectly the cry of my heart and I started crying, both physically and in my heart crying out to God to save me once again."Yes, Lord! This is exactly what I want to be saying to you right now!"

I will glory in my Redeemer

Whose priceless blood has ransomed me

Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails

And hung Him on that judgment tree

I will glory in my Redeemer

Who crushed the power of sin and death

My only Savior before the Holy Judge

The Lamb Who is my righteousness

The Lamb Who is my righteousness

I will glory in my Redeemer

My life He bought, my love He owns

I have no longings for another

I’m satisfied in Him alone

I will glory in my Redeemer

His faithfulness my standing place

Though foes are mighty and rush upon me

My feet are firm, held by His grace

My feet are firm, held by His grace

Nothing in my own knowledge would save me, not even my remembrance of all of the lessons that He had taught me. Only God could deliver me from this. He knew that I needed to sing this song, and He brought us to church at just the right time so that I would worship Him with it. As soon as I began to worship Christ and sing the Gospel through this song, there was such joy because my soul was fed with the truth of who God was as my Savior. He turned my sights from looking at myself and my circumstances to looking at Him.

God reminded me that I am held firm by His grace, and though trials may seem to possess such power, He is mighty to save. He delivered me (from myself!) once again, not of my own knowledge or strength, but through His provision and grace. I received comfort from God that was real and lasting. I didn’t have to tell myself not to stress. God gave me peace which transcended all understanding.

Epilogue

I know that these trials will continue to come because there is still sin in my life that I have not dealt with. My life is certainly not anxiety-free, and I do still get nervous about tests and grades. However, my reaction to trials has been changed by this whole experience. I’ve learned that God goes through my trials with me. He is my ever-present help in times of need. He is mighty to save His children and will deliver me. He has a purpose to suffering, and He, as the creator of the universe, is the one true being in all the earth that is worthy of worship. He has patience with me in my sin and is my deliverer.

Even though this suffering is tough while it is happening, God always ordains it for a purpose. He will continue to be faithful, though I will still struggle to trust Him, but He will deliver me in His time. Paul says, in Philippians, that “He who began a good work will bring it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”. Our salvation and God’s work in our lives is His work, and He will finish it. Praise God that I got about six hours of sleep that Sunday after church.

However, although there are times where I do still get anxious, I know that progress will continue to be little steps of faith of crying out to Him and learning to trust Him. I am very much looking forward to that day where all these sufferings will end and there will be a day where we sin no more. All things will be made right. Praise be to God that that will indeed happen one day and in Christ there is true hope and deliverance!

Picking a New Church in a New City (part 2)

“There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism” (Eph. 4:4-5).

UNITED TO THE BODY

The church is the body of Christ. Thus, to be a Christian is to be united with other Christians under the Lordship of Christ.

So, when Teresa and I were choosing a new church in a new city, we were choosing to unite ourselves with a particular group of Christians. In America, we are currently blessed with the luxury of choices. Though not all churches are good, there are many good ones that preach and practice what the Bible gives us.

If you've been reading along, Teresa and I are describing our journey in becoming members of Covenant Fellowship Church. The previous entry was about our desire to commit ourselves to a single church for the entire duration of our time in seminary. This also meant doing our mentored ministry at this church.

SPIRIT-FILLED WORSHIP

One factor that led us to Covenant Fellowship was the Spirit-filled worship. One worship leader said that the goal of worship is to let the word of Christ fill our minds and hearts. We should be moved to praise, adoration, and thanksgiving by the reality of Christ and what He has done.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” (Col. 3:16)

Since worship should affect the entire person, we should worship with our emotions. However, some songs seem to appeal only to our emotions and say very little (or nothing) about God. For instance, if you can take a worship song and sing it to another human being, then it is probably missing some specific details about what makes our God so great and glorious. Though we can worship God with any song, our hearts long for deeper and more intimate knowledge of God.

Christ tells us that worship is done in "Spirit and truth" (John 4:24). Worship should be filled with the presence of the Holy Spirit and the truth of God. We don't serve a God who is unreachable or vague. He is near us, His Spirit dwells in every believer, and He has made His power and glory clear to us.

We have found the worship at Covenant Fellowship to be Spirit-filled. The music has helped Teresa and I set our sights upon the crucified and risen Savior, the only hope that we have in this life and the life to come. The worship team is intentional about linking the blessings and promises of God to Christ and His work on the cross.

God reminds us every week of the sacrifice of Christ, which makes it possible for us to approach a holy God. Just as the Israelites had to slaughter animals before they could present themselves before God at the tabernacle, we have access to God only because He provided a sacrifice in Christ. If you go to church every week, you know that it can be easy to start taking the sacrifice of Christ for granted. We begin to assume that we can approach God at anytime on any terms. We can begin to assume that God owes us certain things, like life, health, or financial security.

When we go to church, we ought to be reminded that we owe God praise and thanksgiving. He doesn't owe us anything. God reminded Job of this reality: “Who has first given to me, that I should repay him? Whatever is under the whole heaven is mine” (Job. 41:10)

It has been humbling and refreshing to sing phrases like:

• "Till on that cross as Jesus died, The wrath of God was satisfied" (From “In Christ Alone”)
• "Because a sinless Savior died, My sinful soul is counted free" (From "Before the Throne of God Above")
  

There isn't much in lyrics like these that make me feel good, worthy, or confident. The worship music reminds me of my sin and God's wrath. And those things move me to praise God for Christ, who died to save sinners like me. I have come away renewed and awed by how good God is, how worthy Christ is, and what confidence I have in Christ to approach a holy God. I feel that my soul is fed and filled as I'm reminding myself of the gospel- the reality of God's grace, love, and forgiveness in Christ.

What a joy and privilege to be joined with other people who see their sinfulness and the great love of our Savior. What a privilege to celebrate the one hope we have because of the one faith in the one Lord and be united to His one body!

Picking a New Church in a New City (part 1)

When we moved to Philadelphia a year ago, Teresa and I had to pick a new church. Neither of us have had to do that in the last ten years, but it's probably not a bad thing.

When Christ died for the sins of God's people and rose on the 3rd day, He created the church of God. If we want to know the value of the church in God's eyes, we only need to look to the price He paid for it. Acts 20:28 says that the church of God was something Jesus “obtained with his own blood.” The infinite blood of Christ was used to secure the redemption of the church! Therefore, we ought to esteem the church as God esteems her. God doesn't take church membership lightly, and neither should we. At the get-go, we wanted to find a church where we could fully commit ourselves for the next few years while we're in seminary.

MENTORED MINISTRY

One factor that we had to consider was where we would be mentored. Westminster has a Mentored Ministry requirement. This means I have to do 400 hours of service (either paid or unpaid) under the supervision of a pastor. This could be done all at once (e.g. a summer internship or a mission trip) and it doesn't have to be done in your home church. For instance, we knew someone who attended one church Sunday morning but then served as a paid pastor at another church during the afternoon.

If possible, Teresa and I wanted to be members of a church where we could also do our Mentored Ministry. We felt the Lord leading us to go “all-in” with one church. This would be the church where we would worship God, hear God's Word preached, love our fellow brothers and sisters, serve others, and also be mentored.

FULL COMMITMENT

Spurgeon said, “The day we find the perfect church, it becomes imperfect the moment we join it.” Nobody claims to look for the perfect church, but when the rubber meets the road, things can be quite different. It's not uncommon to hear of seminary students who change churches every year or two and never become fully committed.

This can be all too common among churches in America. At our church back in Texas, we knew people who transferred to different churches for different reasons. Sometimes there are good reasons to leave a church. Yet in other cases, folks headed for the exits rather than staying committed to the body when things got tough.

If possible, Teresa and I wanted to commit ourselves to one church for the entire duration of our time in seminary. We wanted to pick a church for the long-haul. We didn't want to try out a church for a season and then switch to a different one. This required doing as much legwork up-front: researching options, reading about beliefs and ministries, talking to people, and listening to sermons on-line. Of course, despite all our advance in modern technology, we would still need to visit churches in person.

At the end of a 4-month process (which included a 10-week membership class), we committed ourselves as members of Covenant Fellowship Church located in a Philadelphia suburb. In the upcoming blog posts, I'll go into more detail on how God led us to Covenant Fellowship.

A new type of love song

When I was younger, I loved broadway musicals more than anything. The first show I ever saw was in 7th grade and it was Miss Saigon. I just fell in love with the way you could mix music, which was big in my life, with a story about true love, faithfulness, and sometimes a teary-eyed sad ending. In these shows, my favorite parts would always be the big love song between the two lead characters where they declared their love for each other and you knew that they would always be together (All I ask of you from Phantom and Too Much In Love To Care from Sunset Boulevard come to mind as good examples of these). There was just so much emotion and love expressed in the words, and to boot they were set to a great melody that enhanced the experience and made you feel all tingly inside. In a way,  you got to live vicariously through the characters and experience love and emotions my teenage self only dreamed of. In a way, though, I always felt I could never be a part of that love song, one, because I can't sing very well, and two because I was never sure that I could have that kind of love for anyone else, and furthermore that they could ever love me in that way. But listening to these songs and swooning with emotion gave me an outlet of beauty and a place where I could pretend that I was loved just as these characters loved each other.

In the past few  years, I've seen God change that desire for love inside my heart. He has shown me that any kind of human love is a pointer to His perfect unfailing love. Any grace and mercy in love between two people is a picture of the infinite mercies that He shows us every morning, not because we deserve it, but because He chooses to have grace on us. Even more so, God has also changed my view of what a love song is. I used to think the perfect love song was between two people, but now I see that it is between a human and their God. Usually, in these musicals, something happens where they cannot be together, albeit a misunderstanding or some catastrophic event. But God promises that nothing can separate us from His perfect love.

I never thought I could ever sing a love song like those in my favorite broadway musicals, but God showed me that I can be a part of this magnificent love duet, not because I am a good singer (indeed, I'm glad that I'll never have to sing a solo in public), but because I am a partaker in God's love and grace. Christ saw me as the foremost of sinners, yet He chose to have mercy on me! Also, He knew that I could never love Him on my own, so He gathered me to Him and opened my eyes and brought me to sorrow over my sins. What greater example of love could there be? He gives us these wonderful songs to sing to Him that are richer and more beautiful than any love ballad between two people because they point to God's perfect love. He points our eyes heaven-ward, from the human love relationships to our love relationship with Him. God has so graciously blessed us with songs that can so powerfully express how great God is and how wonderful His love is to us; this is richer and more beautiful than any love story could be because it is THE love story of all time.

There are a lot of good songs out there. This one is the one that has always reminded me of His infinite glory and love towards us.

How Deep
You were broken that I might be healed
You were cast off that I might draw near
You were thirsty that I might come drink
Cried out in anguish that I might sing

How deep is Your love
How high and how wide is Your mercy
How deep is Your grace
Our hearts overflow with praise to You

You knew darkness that I might know light
Wept great tears that mine might be dried
Stripped of glory that I might be clothed
Crushed by Your Father to call me Your own

Based on The Valley of Vision prayer “Love Lustres at Calvary”
Words and Music by Stephen Altrogge

Is there Value in Learing Biblical Hebrew? (part 2)

In the last post, I posed the question, "Is there value in learning the original languages of the Bible?" Sure, there are Bible translators and scholars who might need them. But how about us and the rest of the church?

Our Hebrew teacher at Westminster (Libbie Groves) made a very compelling case, and I want to flesh this out a bit more here.

1. AMBIGUITY IN THE ORIGINAL TEXT

God and His plan of salvation are very clearly explained in Scripture. No one needs to consult the Greek or Hebrew text to know that God requires all men to repent and place their trust in Christ because He has fixed a day of judgment for all. Yet, there are many places in scripture where there is some ambiguity. Words and phrases could have more than one meaning. In those situations, Bible translators have to make a decision on how to translate something with the knowledge that there are multiple options. When we were translating the verse Judges 3:23, we ran into such a case.

The ESV translates it this way: "Then Ehud went out into the porch and closed the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locked them." (Judges 3:23)

Ehud was a judge of Israel who killed Eglon, the king of Moab, and freed Israel from foreign oppression. Judges 3 has a fascinating story of how Ehud gets into the evil king's private chambers with a concealed weapon, kills him, and then escapes by going out the porch. When we looked up the Hebrew word that is translated as "porch" in the ESV, we found this entry: "uncertain: vestibule, latrine, air-hole".

According to Hebrew scholars, the word has an uncertain meaning. It could mean "vestibule" (or "hall"), "latrine", or "air-hole". So, Ehud could have escaped out the porch, hall, or even sewage pipe. Maybe Ehud pulled a "Shawshank Redemption" type of escape (Andy Dufresne crawled his way to freedom through sewer pipe filled with human waste).

At any rate, we don't know for sure. In these ambiguous cases, we ought to tread lightly. For instance, it would be unwise (or even a mistake) for a preacher to base the main point of a sermon on something that's ambiguous. Someone who knows the original language would be able to avoid this kind of mistake and detect those who make it. The Bible warns us that there are plenty of false prophets and teachers out there. When there is uncertainty in the original text, a translation becomes an interpretation. And these interpretations should be treated with care. A pastor is more equipped to shepherd his flock and protect them if he has the tools to see where someone is drawing conclusions from passages that are ambiguous.


2. LOST IN TRANSLATION

We've all heard of the phrase "lost in translation". The Bible isn't immune from this. The authors of scripture often use grammar to highlight something. Using Hebrew grammar to make a point about something may not work in English because English has a different grammatical structure. WARNING - this point may seem quite dry, so feel free to skip ahead!

For example, Judges 1:21 says: "But the people of Benjamin did not drive out the Jebusites...." . In this verse fragment, the noun is "the people of Benjamin", the verb is "did not drive out", and the direct object is the "Jebusites".

Typical English order: Noun -> Verb -> Direct Object. Hebrew sentences typically start with the verb instead of the noun.
Typical Hebrew order: Verb -> Noun -> Direct Object.

Typically, we expect: [did not drive out] -> [people of Benjamin] -> [Jebusties].
Instead, the text has: [Jebusites] -> [did not drive out] -> [people of Benjamin].

The direct object (Jebusites) is placed first. This is not expected. It seems like the author is drawing to our attention the presence of the Jebusties, which should have been driven out of the land of Canaan. If you have read the book of Judges, you will know that the nation of Israel failed to obey God in driving out the inhabitants of Canaan and failed to worship God whole-heartedly. The presence of "Jebusties" at the beginning of the sentence is lost in translation. Not the end of the world, yet something the author wanted to say is lost.

Judges 3:6 was another example we looked at. The typical word ordering is changed when a verb and direct object are swapped. As a result, the reader cannot tell which nouns go with which verbs. This intermingling of words reflects the intermingling between the Israelites and Cannanites. Rather than being separate as God's people, Israel mixes with her pagan culture:
"And their daughters they took to themselves for wives, and their own daughters they gave to their sons, and they served their gods." This unexpected word order even crashed some Bible software when it was trying to process Judges for the first time!

Examples like these show how the Hebrew grammar may tell be telling us something that is lost in translation. Without knowing the original language, these important (yet subtle) points may be lost.

3. THE SUPREMACY AND PRIORITY OF GOD'S WORD

Some may argue, "So what? We might lose a few things here and there, but our translations give us all the important stuff." Yet, scripture itself always challenges us to take a higher (and never a lower) view of itself:

"For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished." (Matthew 5:18)

"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away." (Matthew 24:35).

God cares about all the little details in Scripture and they are there for a reason. Even the most seemingly insignificant dots in the Hebrew text are important to God and not to be treated lightly. Scripture was written by God through human authors in such a way that its ultimate source is God Himself and it is therefore completely trustworthy and authoritative.

"All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work." (2 Tim 3:16-17).

All of scripture is divine, and by the power of the Holy Spirit, we must give careful and thoughtful attention to its details.

I'm certainly no Hebrew scholar, yet I am beginning to see (in new ways) that preaching and teaching God's word carries great responsibilities. Those who are given a call to do these things should strive to be properly equipped.

Is there value in learning Biblical Hebrew? (part 1)

The spring term has been super busy, so we've been delinquent in keeping up our blog. I've been wanting to blog about a 4-week intensive Hebrew class at Westminster Seminary during January. So after much delay, here it is!

13 weeks were compressed into 4. Winter Hebrew was no joke. We were expected the clear the decks (of any work or ministry commitments) to focus on the class. The mid-term for the course has been described as the most difficult test at Westminster. Winter Hebrew is like full-time job where your employer expects you to work nights and weekends to meet a deadline because your project and your job depended on it.

Our professor told us a story about a guy who was a student during the Vietnam war. Full-time students were exempt from the military draft. Mid-way through the course, though, the student decided that he had enough. He dropped the class, enlisted, and then shipped off Vietnam. Apparently he thought the jungles of Vietnam were more bearable than Winter Hebrew.

It's kind of a funny story- well funny now that we're actually done. But it does raise some questions. Why would anyone subject themselves to 4 weeks of pain? Or to ask a slightly different question, "Why go through the trouble of learning Biblical Hebrew (or Greek)?" Aren't English translations good enough?

It is true that our Bible translations are sufficient for us to know God and His plan of salvation. The Westminster Confession captures this thought rather well:

Everything God wants you to know for His own glory, your salvation, faith and life, is either given directly or indirectly by Scripture....those things which are necessary to be known, believed, and observed for salvation are so clearly given in scripture that no special training is needed to know what they are (paraphrased from Chapter 1, "Of The Holy Scripture")

I'm not advocating that everyone in the church must to devote years of their life learning Greek (the original language of the New Testament) or Hebrew (the original language of the Old Testament). Yet, I want to present a few reasons why studying the original languages is valuable and important for the body of Christ. I want to try and make a case for why there should be at least one person in your church (probably the pastor) who should know Greek and Hebrew.

Here are 3 reasons I'm going to give :

1. AMBIGUITY IN THE ORIGINAL TEXT. For instance, if you pick up the NIV and ESV (which are both faithful translations of the text), you'll notice some differences. As we've discovered, doing a translation means doing an interpretation. Different translations exist for different reasons. Some translations like the NIV do larger chunks of scripture at a time ("ideas") and aim for readability. Others like the NASB try to do smaller chunks ("word-for-word") and try to remain closer to the original text. Others like the ESV try to do something in between. These are broad generalizations, but you get the idea.

One is not necessary "better" or "worse" than another. By attempting a word-for-word translation, NASB or ESV has to do some awkward gymnastics to stick to its goal. Therefore, it's often less readable or clear than the NIV, which does more paraphrasing.

2. LOST IN TRANSLATION. Because languages are not identical to one another, things are lost in translation.

3. SUPREMACY AND PRIORITY OF GOD'S WORD. Imagine that you were given an important document- maybe a treaty between two countries, a crucial business contract, or a letter from a dear friend. But, it's written in a different language. Depending on how important it is and how much precision you need, you may not be content with a translation. In the same way, the words of eternal life found in God's eternal word may place a burden of responsibility upon some people to learn the original Biblical languages.

In my next post, I'll try to flesh out these reasons some more by going into some more technical details

Suffering and Refuge

Alex has shared a lot about Apologetics here at Westminster. Spring classes start tomorrow, and I've been assigned to talk a little bit about how being here at seminary has changed me.  

I've benefited so much from just being here at Westminster for one semester. This fall, I took a counseling course called Dynamics of Biblical Change taught by David Powlison; it has been a blessing to me in so many ways, and the Holy Spirit has mercifully changed me in ways that I don't deserve.  This past two years or so God has been giving me an interest in counseling that I never thought I had, and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be changed so much by it. But God gives gifts to His children that are so much better than anything we could ever ask for or imagine. Praise Him for that!

Since I'm not much of a writer, I thought I'd share some papers (essays, really) that I've written this semester in counseling class. The first one (this entry) is about Suffering and Refuge, and the second one (to come at a later time) will be about Sin and Grace.

 This is an excerpt from a project that I did about mid-October 2010. Our task was to examine a period of significant suffering in our lives and to seek God as our refuge in the midst of suffering. The trial that I examined was my sleeplessness due to Greek tests during the summer and fall semesters. 
 

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Summer Greek
This summer I began to have sleepless nights before each of our Summer Greek exams. If you know me, you'd know that I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. I had never had any issues with sleeping before, and it was a huge shock when I began staying awake for hours on end.  Each day before the test, I studied all day and felt fine about the test. However, when I went to bed, I laid in bed for hours and could not fall asleep.

At first, I told myself to calm down and that sleep would eventually come. Eventually the hours rolled by and I continued to stay awake. I told myself that this shouldn’t be happening to me. I repeated to myself that I needed to let it go, to surrender it to God, and that it wasn’t that big of a deal. Slowly as the hours passed one by one, I became increasingly frustrated. I tried a number of things to help me relax. Still no sleep. I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t sleep as well, and thought perhaps that I had had too much caffeine. I also was jealous of Alex and Beni who were happily asleep and blissfully unaware of my angst.

The second time this happened, I tried my hardest to eliminate many of the contributors to insomnia that I thought I could control.  I had no caffeine that day, bought curtains to keep out the light and the noise, wore earplugs, and retired early, all to give myself the best chance of falling asleep. Still, the result was the same. I got under two hours of sleep that night. 

In desperation, I started thinking of how I could escape from the situation that was causing this suffering. I thought about dropping out of seminary so I wouldn’t have to take any more tests, and retiring to the “easy life” of starting a family. Anything, I thought, would be better than not getting sleep.

I NEED 8 Hours! 
In my mind, I feel that I absolutely need to get eight hours of sleep or I won’t be adequately prepared for the exam. I get debilitating migraine headaches from time to time, and I really fear getting those because I can't function at all for the whole day. In my mind, if something happens to my sleep, it will lead to me getting a migraine, not being able to take the test, having to withdraw the course, and dropping out of seminary, which would separate me from Alex, who would excel and continue to take classes while I could not. My mind turns one small thing into a great potential disaster looming around the corner, ready to strike. I think that the right circumstances have to be in place in order for me to be successful.

When I am doing something that I have previously been good at in another context, I expect a certain level of perfection when doing that same thing in another context. As a result I get nervous even though in the first context I was calm and confident. In this case, my dilemma is partially, “Can I be a good student again after all this time out of school?” and also partially, “Am I as good as these other students in my classes? Am I smart enough for seminary?”

As the semester progressed, I became fearful about sleep in general, that I wouldn’t be able to sleep the next night or during the following nights. Actually, I still dread going to sleep the day before an exam. Through this sleeplessness, God took away, for a time, one of the things that I’d always counted on as a guarantee. I could always trust in the fact that I could sleep, and suddenly I couldn’t do something I’d never had any trouble with my entire life. It was earth-shattering. I felt helpless and like my body didn’t work anymore. I had to spend much of the next day recovering and was not as productive as I would have liked to be.

Who is God in all of this? 
 God promises He is in control. He has ordained every sleepless night for a reason. He is the creator of all things, including my body, Greek participles, and sleep. He promises to work everything to the good of those who love Him, even something that takes away the ability for me to function and think properly. He promises to be there when I walk through the long corridor of sleeplessness, and to lead my steps. 

He gives me strength, not necessarily to happily pretend that nothing is wrong, but to persevere and trust Him through these trials. He both hears my cry and gives me strength to have peace during a troubling night of sleeplessness, and to persevere in my studies and be faithful to the task that he has called me to. He is worthy of praise because His character doesn’t change dependent on my circumstance. He is infinite, outside of time, and knows every single second of my life. He is infinite; the situation is not. He is all powerful; the situation is not. 

More Greek Lessons  
Through all trials, God is shaping us and showing us things in our lives that we need to change. First of all, the Lord has been challenging me to not run away from suffering. This sleepless has continued into the Fall semester. During the weeks leading up to the first test this semester, I thought a lot about the concept of sleep. I was challenged by the article we read on Psalm 119 where Dr. Powlison shared about his struggles with insomnia and how he learned to look forward to that time as a time to meet with and be in the presence of God. It really challenged me to think about my beliefs about who God was in the midst of suffering. 

I slowly began to realize that God is with me when I cannot sleep. He is unchanging, so that means that He is still sovereign and still good even when I can’t sleep. God is by my side in my suffering. He is present, sustaining me, giving me strength to carry on when all human reason screamed to give up and go home. Most of all, He is my help, my refuge in times of need. I can cry out to Him, tell Him how I’m feeling, and He hears and gives me strength to persevere. Even if I don’t get to fall asleep, His hand is still completely sovereign over my entire life. I can trust in Him to have some purpose to my suffering, and to be the one who gives and takes it away. 

The words of Psalm 62 have really become the cries of my heart during those moments of sleeplessness:

 ¹For God alone my soul waits in silence;
   from him comes my salvation.
² He only is my rock and my salvation,
   my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

In those nights, God is the one who my soul waits for. He has saved me from my sins, and He will save me from this sleeplessness when it is time. He ONLY, not my grades or knowledge, is my rock and salvation, and I can cry out to Him and He will keep me from being greatly shaken. I may be slightly shaken from the insomnia, but my world is not the disaster that it once was in response to this suffering.

Secondly, I’m beginning to see that the issue I’m facing is more than wanting to get a good night’s sleep. Rather, it is an issue of surrender. Before seminary I had successfully completed a college degree, and was competent to handle engineering classes.  I started class with unconscious pressures to achieve at a certain level. 

I’m learning that I trust in my own performance. If I don’t do well, I believe that I have failed. I put my identity in my achievements. I’m not really taking the test for God, but to prove my own goodness and ability.  

Slowly, I’ve begun to learn to say to myself, “This is the amount of time that you have been given to study, and this is the grade that God has given you. These are blessings from God, and not works of your own hands.” My focus in seminary is beginning to shift from having to prove myself to realizing this time is a gift and a blessing to study and to know God better.

Finally, sleep? 
During the night before this past Greek test (about two weeks ago), I once again could not sleep. However, my reaction to the time dramatically changed. Instead of feeling utter despair, I was able to genuinely cry out to God and surrender my circumstances to Him. I found that the times that I was on my knees asking Him desperately to help me trust in Him were the times that I had the most joy that night, because it was in those times where I didn’t have to be in control. I didn’t have to will myself to relax. I admitted my inability to do anything on my own to God, and cried out to God as my protector and refuge. I knew my God was right alongside me, and that I wasn’t alone. I was able to ask Him for help in addressing these performance issues, and for asking Him to take my life and transform it for His glory. I asked Him to use these results not for my praise but for His.

Although I didn’t sleep normally that night, I did end up falling asleep for five hours, which was a huge difference from sleeping only 1-2 hours the nights before our previous two tests. I praise God that He has changed my heart about anticipating these times of insomnia as a time to cry out and surrender to God, to thank Him for loving me and for taking care of me, and for understanding and meeting with me during my time of suffering.