Helping Relatoinships - part 4: Learning to say "We"

This is part 4 in a series of posts on the “Helping Relationships” counseling class. In previous posts, we've looked at a number of different topics: the pervasiveness of counseling (it happens whether we like it or not), the call to love one another, and the continual need to put off sin and take hold of Christ. We love others with our words by moving towards them, asking questions, and entering their world. This gives us the foundation for speaking truth in love and for praying the promises of God into someone's life. In short, the Christian walk is not just me loving Jesus, but helping one other love Jesus.

I want to pick up this post by continuing the topic of “moving towards.” This is a key part of walking alongside others so you can know them well and love them well. Knowing and loving go hand in hand- you can't love someone you don't know. But, often when we know someone, it makes us want to run away because life is messy!

How do you get to that level of knowing someone well? Or, if you do know someone well, how do you love them? It's often easy to judge another person and lack compassion when we feel self-righteous. It's easy to think, “How could they do that! (or be like that!)”

One problem is that maybe we don't know the full story and need to ask one more question. Another problem is that we might have elevated ourselves above the other person, forgetting that we share the same struggles and desires. We forget that all of us are made in God's image and that we share the same types of struggles. “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.” (1 Cor. 10:13). At the root of any struggle is a battle within the heart to love God more than something else (see part 2).

LEARNING TO SAY “WE”

Learning to walk alongside someone means understanding their world and their struggle to the point that you can say, “we”. It is no longer their struggle but something you can identify with. No matter how bizarre or abnormal someone may be, there is an aspect of their sin that is shared by all of us. Take for example, a struggle with sexual purity. Someone may struggle with pornography or even adultery or homosexuality. But someone may say, “How can I identify with that? I don't struggle with that- those are serious sins!” But, Jesus said whoever looks with lust at a woman has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matt. 5:27-28). So, our lust is on the same level as adultery- we are really no different!

Though it may be unlikely, someone may again say, “I still can't identify with that. I don't have issues with lust- I keep my eyes pure.” Then, we continue to take another step back. Lust and desire are not just limited to sexual impulses, but they are connected to the broader category of idolatry. Even if I don't struggle with these, I have struggled with envy, coveting, and wanting something (or anything) more than God. What could that be? We have to ask, “What are the things in my heart that I treasure and love more than God Himself?”

That could be the desire

• for preserving life at any costs (think about how often we get upset when my “god” of comfort and convenience get threatened)
• for money or financial security
• for approval and acceptance in our relationships
• for power and control
• for accomplishments (think about how often our joy is disturbed if we feel like we're not getting much out of work)
• for purpose (think about how often we get discouraged if we feel like life doesn't have the purpose we think it should have).

This list covers pretty much everything! It shows how our human hearts are idol-factories that churn out an endless supply of desires that take us away from God. At one point in time or another, we've been ruled by these desires. How do we know? We know this because when God takes some of them away (either permanently or temporarily), we get upset!

When we can recognize these desires at work in us, we see that we are all alike under sin- that we have all gone astray, that no one is righteous, understands or seeks for God (Rom. 3:10-11). Christians are forgiven people, but there are still on-going struggles as we learn to follow Jesus. Therefore, even if we don't struggle with lust or sexual immorality, we still have a heart problem. We still follow our own desires sometimes. And this means we are able to walk alongside with someone. We have the ability to identify with their struggles, to enter their world, and to say “we.” I may not struggle in exactly the same way as another person, but I still struggle. And therefore, we are the same.

And the good news is that the gospel comes to heal us, not just when we were converted, but here and now. Christ died for those idols in my heart! I need the gospel just as much as my struggling brother or sister in Christ. And because we both need the gospel to bring healing and forgiveness, we are the same. I can say “we”.