The family is a learning community. But how do we make an ordinary moment a teaching moment? The answer is to operate the family the way God intended.
Family as Theological Community
Theology is the study of God, His existence, nature, and works (54). Everything in life is attached to either a right or wrong understanding of God. For example, in Deuteronomy 6:20-25, we see that obedience to God must be rooted in understanding who God is and what He has done. Are rules obeyed because we have to or they're the right thing to do? Moses reminds fathers to tell children that they are "children of redemption." God saved us from slavery (to sin), and we live for Him. Our lives are either rooted in the glory and goodness of God or they are not.
Parents must turn the eyes of youth away from what they desire to what God desires. Teenagers (and the rest of us) tend to forget the reality that God exists! When you ask most teenagers what they want out of life, most would tell you they want to be happy. What's scary is that their definition of happiness changes almost hourly and there is no higher focus than their own pleasure.
Family as Sociological Community
The family is the place where our true natures are shown- where our sinful desires are exposed. The family will teach and model what it means to love your neighbor as much as you love yourself or it will violate that standard. Powerful messages will be taught in the way mom and dad talk, serve, make decisions, and deal with differences.
Family as Redemptive Community
The family is the place where the reality of the gospel will be applied out or denied. When we humbly admit our sins and the need for the Savior, we are able to seek the treasures of God's grace. When God reveals sin in a Christian, there are 2 responses. One is to justify and excuse it (e.g. they deserved it). The other is to admit sin, confess it to God and man, and come under the justifying mercy of Christ. One key is that parents must be willing to admit their own faults. It's easy to be like the proud Pharisee in Luke 18 who says "I thank God I'm not like those other people"
All family members must realize we have no power to love God or people on our own and seek Christ for His mercy. "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness" (2 Pet. 1:3)
Questions to ponder:
- How is the solution for the problem described at the bottom of page 63 (sons fighting over the stereo) a "fruit-stapling" solution?
- What would you say to your son if he told you it was pointless to be a nice guy since nice guys finish last? (See Psalm 73)
- Which of the three types of communities do you find most challenging to implement?
- What changes need to be made so that your family serves the purposes God intended?
We need a Biblical understanding of teens, but the problem is that the Bible doesn't say anything about teens. The first 7 chapters of Proverbs records a wise father giving advice to his son. These are the tendencies the author observes with teens.
No hunger for wisdom or correction
Most teenagers don't have a natural desire to ask for wisdom. Parents have a responsibility to make wisdom appealing. "Do you make the taste of correction sweet?" We need to win our children for wisdom, and that's not done in anger. Deal with yourself before dealing with your teenager (Matt 7:3-5).
Teens tend to be defensive and take loving concern as accusation. Parents must come with honest questions asked in humility. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger". (Pr 15:1). Tripp describes some practical steps to do this:
- Clarify your intentions and love
- Help them examine their own defensiveness
- Be faithful in confessing your own sins against teenagers
Keep the teaching moments interactive, not a lecture.
Tendency toward Legalism
Parents need to be skilled in talking about the spirit of the law (what was the intent). There is a difference between inner purity and pharisaic performance of duty. Performing out of duty will lead someone to test the boundary of the law while missing the intent of the law.
Tendency to be unwise in their choice of companions
Friendships are very important, and a person is known by the company he keeps. It's impossible to be uninfluenced by one's friends.
A Susceptibility to Sexual Temptation
For the first time, children desire relationships with the opposite sex, and lust and fantasy often become private sins. Parents must put this subject on the table early and keep it as a topic for open discussion. An Absence of Eschatological Perspective
Eschatology - a focus on eternity - is not something that comes naturally. Teenagers tend to live for the present moment. The culture tells them: "You are the labels you wear. You are your body size. You are your intelligence (or athletic ability, car you drive, house you live in, or the level of popularity you have)" The culture teaches us to live for the moment and lay up treasure on earth.
Lack of Heart Awareness
"Above all else, guard you heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). The heart is the control center of life, and what rules our heart will rule our lives. Parents must lead teenagers to look beyond outward behavior and examine the heart. What is the condition of the heart that leads to the behavior? Where has he exchanged the Creator for some aspect of creation (acceptance, a possession, or position).
Tripp shares the story of his daughter coming home with a bad grade in Spanish. When she got home, she had come up with an explanation that completely took her responsibility out of the picture. She was spiritually blind and did not see the real issues of the heart.
It's only when a person knows God that he can know his true nature, and as this happens, his hunger for God increases. These are universal heart-issues: fear of man, materialism, selfishness, lust, covetousness, envy, unbelief, anger, self-righteousness, love the world, greed, rebellion.
Alex's thoughts: These characteristics are true of all people, not just teens! They come straight from our sinful, rebellious nature that does not seek to submit to God. This is where the gospel must be explained clearly- those who are born again have a desire to turn away from sin. Those who are in Christ are new creations- the old has gone, the new has come. Though we are far from perfect, true Christians display a pattern of dying to sin and self.
The Scriptures have strong warnings for those who continue in sin:
- "No one who keeps on sinning has seen him or known him" (1 John 3:6)
- "For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sin, but a fearful expectation of judgment and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries" (Heb 10:26)
Questions to ponder:
- These areas also prompt us to examine our own lives as they are not unique to teenagers. For instance, in what ways are we unwilling to accept correction from others? How do we tend towards legalism? How do let down our guard in the area of sexual temptation? Do we communicate eternal perspective in all of life (or a temporary one)?
- Which one of these areas is the most challenging/difficult for you and your family?
- How well do our teens understand what the gospel is? Do we (and our teens) know what genuine salvation looks like?
Tripp walked into his son's bedroom feeling overwhelmed. He was physically tired and also a tired parent. His son accused him of being unloving, unkind, and lacking in understanding. He seemed to argue with every point. He was unresponsive and also deliberately irritated him. Somewhere in the conversation, Tripp loses his temper. In his anger, he spoke some of the most unkind words he had ever spoken. Afterwards, Tripp was then torn between self-pity and conviction- he wanted his son to be hurt the same way that his son had hurt him. Yet, he knew that was wrong. Tripp cried out for God's help and forgiveness, prayed for faith and perseverance. He was never more aware of his own moment-by-moment need for the Lord.
Parents must view their difficult role from the vantage point of the awesome power of God.
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever! Amen" (Eph 3:20).
God's power created the world, holds the universe together, raised Christ from the dead, and defeated sin. We must parent in His power and strength. His awesome power resides in all His people, by His Spirit. God has given us everything we need to live for Him and His glory in this life and the life to come:
"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." (2 Pet. 1)
Alex's thoughts: How often I forget about the divine power given freely by God and secured through Christ! The more I realize how much I am lacking in faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love, the more I realize I need that divine power.
Tripp recounts a story where his daughter was caught passing a note at her Christian school. The note was offensive, disrespectful of authority, and used language he could not believe would come from his daughter. He was immediately filled with a volatile combination of anger, grief, and embarrassment. He was angry that she would dare to be so boldly rebellious and insensitive. He was embarrassed because he was well known in the Christian community as a pastor, seminary teacher, and counselor. What would people think of him now?
Because teenage years are unpredictable, parents need a clear set of biblical goals as guardrails. Situations like these are sovereignly-given opportunities to shepherd the hearts God has exposed in teenagers. Or, they can become moments where a wedge of distance and anger are driven.
Before describing the right goals, Tripp talks about the wrong goals. The first one is regulating behavior. Most parents fear drugs, alcohol, sex, and dropping out of school, So, they take the role of policeman rather than parent. Rules "lack any value for restraining sensual indulgence" (Col. 2:20-23) because corruption in the world is caused by evil desires (2 Pet 1:4). Forcing rules does not change the heart. Wise parents will help teens to understand their own heart by asking the right questions:
- What were you thinking and feeling at the time?
- Why was that so important?
- What did you want to accomplish?
- What was your motivation?
- Why did you become so angry?
- If you could go back and do something differently, what would you change?
The goal is to show, not tell. This should be done in the love of Christ, who is the Great Shepherd:
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another... (Col 3:12-14)
GOAL 1: Focusing on the Spiritual Struggle
Tripp has said many times to his children, "There is a war out there. It is being fought on the turf of your heart. It is fought for the control of your soul." Two things stop us:
- A tendency to focus more on the world of the seen, than the unseen (e.g. grades, job, college)
- Acultural misunderstanding about the nature of spiritual warfare. Spiritual warfare encompasses all of life: in the body of Christ, the marriage relationship, parent-child relationship, between slaves and masters, and in every place we go. There is a constant struggle against the world, the flesh, and Satan as we desire to live for God. The spiritual armor and the reminder of Satan as the enemy in Ephesians 6 is a summary of what Paul has said up to that point.
Questions to ponder:
- Are we, by the things that concern us and the way we solve problems, demonstrating that we understand there is a spiritual struggle?
- Are our lives consistent with what we say we would like to produce in our teenagers?
- What do you think about the list of qualities given by Tripp of the spiritual warrior? Which do you find most challenging for you? For your teen?
Tripp recounts the story of him and his wife going away to a weekend conference. His son would stay with a family friend from church. Before his son arrived, the other boys had rented several movies. His son soon realized that the movie contained material he shouldn't be watching. What should he do? He could watch the movies and no one would know. He ended up trying to convince them not to watch it, and they thought he was "being stupid". His son exercised his faith and had to deal with the persecution.
It's one thing to do what's right under the watchful eye of another person. It's another thing to exercise convictions from the heart when only God is watching.
GOAL 2: Developing heart of Conviction and Wisdom
Tripp starts this section by recounting another story. His son had gotten a part-time job and was asked to do something that wasn't in his job description. They talked about it and his son wanted him to make the decision for him. Tripp did not do that because he believed that the situation was sent by God to develop him. There was no clear-cut right or wrong answer, so Tripp prayed that God would give him wisdom. His son did what he believed was right, after thinking and praying about it. Then got fired!
But, even in the firing, there was chance to talk about life in a broken world, the blessings of doing things God's way, and what it means to entrust yourself in God's care.
This situation was quite different from the movie incident. The first situation (movie) had to do with "clear-boundary" issues. These have a clear right or wrong answer from God's perspective. The other situation is a "wisdom" issue, where there is no clear right or wrong answer. "Wisdom" issues should not be solved like "clear-boundary" issues.
The tendency is to go towards one of two extremes in dealing with "wisdom" issues:
- Legalism: making everything a rigid boundary issue
- Foolishness: concluding that anything that is not an obvious boundary issue is unimportant
The author cites 6 characteristics of Biblical conviction. These convictions are needed to deal with "clear-boundary" issues in life:
- It's based upon and a study of, submission to, and application of Scripture
- It's predetermined
- It doesn't depend on circumstances
- It's inflexible
- It's bold
- It's always lived out
Tripp cites 10 issues to consider when dealing with "wisdom" issues:
- Submitting to the authorities God has put over us
- Giving grace to others
- Committing ourselves to the truth
- Serving as ambassadors for Christ (e.g. Would I be able to share the gospel afterward?)
- Seeking wise counsel
- Living lives of faithfulness and integrity (keeping our word)
- Trusting in the sovereignty of God
- Living for what's eternal
- Examining our heart, desires, motives
- Living for God's glory
The strategies for developing convictions and wisdom are rooted in principles Tripp has been stating all along:
- See these difficult situations God-given opportunities to develop a Biblical mind
- Resist making the decision for your teenager
- Be persistent in drawing out the heart of your teenager (ask open-ended questions)
- Help your teenager determine if the issue is a clear-boundary or a wisdom issue
Alex's thoughts: I really like the "clear-boundary" and "wisdom" categories Tripp describes. They give us a good framework for knowing how to approach situations when they arise.
Tripp starts this chapter by describing two typical responses to our culture: Rejection and Assimilation.
Rejection is illustrated by the "Smith" family. They are dressed very conservatively and talk about a book they are reading as a family. Their children have little interaction with non-Christians to avoid negative influence. No modern music is played, and they do not go to the movies. The TV is for educational programming. The Smith's paradigm is "Come out among them and be separate".
Assimilation is illustrated by the "Jones". The kids wear a lot more jewelry and earrings. The daughter has headphones around her neck and the kids participate in many public-school activities. They all have stereos in their rooms and watch lots of TV. On the surface, the Jones look and act like their non-Christian peers. Their motto is "Be in the world, but not of the world".
Rejection has problems. Everything God made is good, though good things can be abused. Modern music is not evil by nature, but it becomes evil when it draws us into rebellion against God. The other problem is that the core of our struggle is not evil outside us but with evil within. The corruption of the world is caused by evil desires (2 Peter 1:4). Isolationism may lead to self-righteousness- righteousness is equated with "keeping the list".
Assimilation has problems also. Scripture teaches us that nothing is neutral- "He who is not with me is against me".
Tripp uses the pollution metaphor to understand how sin taints our culture. When there are poisons in the air, people wear protection. The protection that we wear is a Biblical worldview that filters out the unseen poisons of the culture. Simply sheltering teens from culture will not work. The key is to open the communication channels and help teens see areas where they have absorbed the pollutants of our culture. This is done through personal examples and pointing teens to Christ. This "Redemptive interaction" is a third response to culture, which is different from rejection and assimilation.
GOAL 3: Teaching a Teenager to Understand and Interact Redemptively with his Culture
The first step is to know and understand God's truth as a protection against the culture's pollutants. This is done by preparing teens to have a Biblical worldview and not just teaching Bible stories without connecting them to real life. When studying scripture, here are some questions to ask ourselves:
- What do we learn about God, His character, and his plan?
- What do we learn about ourselves, our nature, our struggle, and the purpose of our lives?
- What does God say about what is right/wrong, good/bad, true/false?
- What does the passage have to say about our culture (its values, views, behavior)?
The next step is teaching teens to test what they see from a Biblical worldview. They should give teens opportunities to test the culture against God's Word. This means going to movies and concerts with them, listening to music together, etc... The testing process includes identifying the common ground between our experience and the fallen culture. If we look at our own sin and experience of being sinned against, we will recognize common experience and grief.
The final steps involve deciding and redeeming. Teens must be coached into deciding when they can be redemptive participants or when they must separate from the culture.
Alex' thoughts: I like the analogy of wearing protective gear to filter out pollution. Our main struggle is with our own evil desires, so we must understand those desires and starve them rather than feed them. I have some concerns with this analogy, though. Since there is so much pollution in the culture, I see few cases where we can redeem it. God commands us to "flee temptation". Having the protective gear of a Biblical worldview could provide a false sense of security and expose us to things we have no business experiencing.
Questions to ponder:
- What does it mean to redeem our culture? Do we need to experience the world to have common ground with others?
- Like American football, rugby is a full-contact sport. However, rugby players do not wear nearly as much protective gear as football players. Interestingly enough, the injury rates for rugby players are much lower, and tend to be much less serious. How could our "Biblical worldview" protective gear lead to a false sense of security?
- What should a parent do if he and his teen have tested culture from a Biblical worldview and the teen still wants to rebel against God?
All parents want good things for our children: good education, job, marriage, children, home, and a life without tragedy. However, what is the central wish that should be the foundation of everything we want for our children? David captures this:
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple (Ps. 27:4)
David describes a "heart for God." We cannot let anything be greater than this. The Westminster Shorter Catechism says that the chief goal of man is to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever".
GOAL 4: Developing a Heart for God in Your Teenager
Tripp gives several reasons why homes that profess to know Christ have no desire for God.
- Familiarity - taking God's truth for granted
- Lifestyle - busy schedules prevent parents from diving deep into the hearts of their children on a regular basis
- Hypocrisy - parents may profess to know Christ but deny Him in their attitudes and actions (see discussion on chapter 2: Whose Idols are in the Way?)
What are the signs of a pursuit for God?
- There will be an independent life of personal worship and devotion to God
- Desire for corporate worship, instruction, and fellowship
- Open to discussions about spiritual things
- God affects how they make decisions
Tripp closes with some practical ways that parents can grow their own heart for God as a means for transferring this heart to their children.
Alex's thoughts: I like this chapter, but unfortunately, it has one big shortcoming. Tripp leaves out the biggest reason why people don't have a heart for God: being unsaved. Not everyone who makes a profession of faith is genuinely saved. Those who are saved will have a heart for God, as they are new creations in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17) and have been born again (John 3:3). Someone who isn't born again will not have a heart for God. The scriptures are filled with stunning illustrations that show this.
For example, in Matthew 7:15-24, Jesus illustrates the difference between true and false conversion with several examples. First, the narrow way leads to eternal life, while the broad way leads to eternal destruction. The good tree bears good fruit, while the bad tree bears bad fruit (and will be cut down and thrown into the fire). The true believer does the will of the Father while the professing believer who does not do the will of the Father will hear "I never knew you" from Jesus.
For other parables illustrating the difference between true and false converts, see: Matt 12:33-37, Matt. 13, Matt. 22:1-13, Matt 25, Mark 4:1-20, Mark 12:1-12, Luke 6:43-49, Luke 8:4-15, Luke 12:35-48, etc...
Side note: Remember that we are saved by grace through faith, not be works. The good fruit we bear and the submission shown to Christ is the outward evidence of inward change.
Questions to ponder:
- Is a heart for God important to you? If so, how is that demonstrated in your life?
- What areas do you need to change so that you and your family will grow your heart for God?
- What are the indications of true conversion?
- The parables Jesus tell should have a two-fold effect: they should cause true believers to examine ourselves and then serve as warnings for us. Take time to study the passages and ask for God's Spirit to teach and enlighten our hearts.
